sev's thoughts about het privilege and queer visibility, from soc.bi

Heterosexual privilege and bisexual visibility

I've been seeing a pattern on soc.bi -- I've been noticing it since I started reading the newsgroup, and it never surprises me when it recurs. What has surprised me has been my recent reactions to it.

Someone will show up in a thread about het privilege who *has* this privilege, and state that it's offset by the fact that gays and lesbians have "safe space" and bis don't. This statement does not apply to my life, but so many people have said it applies to theirs that I am willing to believe that its the case at least some of the time, and that I may be in the minority.

These are usually the same people who get very defensive when they're accused of "taking advantage of het privilege," and are insulted to think that bisexuals are being oppressive by taking said advantage. I'd say that we're "getting the advantage of het privilege." We don't have to take it, we're given it by default, and we can't give it up -- at least, not all of it.

I don't think anyone should feel guilty because they're experiencing the benefits of het privilege, nor do I feel that someone should play the martyr and not get married in order to avoid said advantage (especially because a MOTOS couple will still experience some het privilege regardless of marital status -- the additional privilege one gets from marriage is important, but it's not the only example of het privilege). Despite the vilifications of several disgruntled soc.bi posters, most of the posts that I've seen have just asked that the recipients of het privilege be aware of it, not try to give it up.

However. If being out -- very out -- as bisexual is "giving up het privilege," to some extent (to a small extent, IMHO), then yes, there's at least one situation in which I'd tell somebody that it might be appropriate for them to stop hiding (and yes, failing to be very out is "hiding" in my mind -- not necessarily intentional, but hiding nonetheless) behind most people's assumption that MOTOS couples are straight.

I get miffed when I see the het privilege discussion mixed with:

Complaints about the lack of safe space for bi's
The "I only come out to some people" argument -- people one feels safe around, or close to, or it's none of their business, etc.

As I noted before, I do think that only telling friends that you're bisexual is hiding behind your marriage, if you're married. I don't necessarily think you should feel guilty. I don't necessarily think you should stop - that's completely up to you, and I don't think you're selling out by not coming out and yelling and screaming your orientation.

However. Pay attention, this is my point. I have very little sympathy for you when you say you can't find support or safe space for you and your bisexuality under these circumstances. If you let people assume that you're straight, you get certain benefits -- and you lose certain benefits.

Shall I expand on that? I think I will.

You can't find other bisexuals? You can't find a safe space? Duh, the people who you need have no way of telling that you need them (us?). If you're MOTOS-partnered, you probably look, for all intents and purposes, straight. Yes, I shouldn't make assumptions about your sexuality. But if I knew you were bi, I might invite you to my support group, party, meeting, whatever.

It's a trade-off, it's true. I've managed to trade a small bit of my heterosexual privilege for visibility -- visibility which helps me hook up with people who can give me support. There can be a big benefit in coming out to near-strangers.

Yup, it's scary. Yup, many of us have painful coming-out experiences in our pasts. Using that as an excuse to not come out just makes things *more* painful, not less. Pain and rejection happens; grieve, love yourself, and get on with your life. I, for one, will be willing to speak up if you find yourself feeling a bit trodden-upon because someone reacted badly to your coming out.

So, you've had bad experiences. You've experienced what you call the "look of horror" upon coming out.

Cutting yourself off from the support that's available to you is giving those people who have hurt you much too much power over your life.

It's true, some people have managed to find the support they need without having to come out to anyone other than close friends. But if you've been looking for as long as you have, and not finding, it may be time to obtain a tougher hide and brave the difficulties and pain involved with being more out. You may find that the results are more than worth it - if you persevere, even when it hurts.

There's other aspects to this. You're making people *think* -- because even if the people you notice are the ones who are scandalized, there are other people who think, gee, they're nice people, maybe thoseawfulnastyqueers aren't so bad after all.

If you're out, you're setting a good example. You're acting as a magnet for other people who might want to come out and are looking for someone understanding to come out to. You're helping other people around you who are lonely, bisexual, and scared suffer less. This, more than any other reason, is the reason I am glad I'm out.

sev's Labels and Sexuality

Heterosexual privilege and bisexual visibility