Bisexuality: when gender is a different kind of factor

Feminism: the empowerment of women is good for everyone

Fetish: reclaiming sensuality

Kink: what it is that some of us do

Polyamory: multiple responsible committed loves

Queer: more than just politics

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Heterosexual privilege

Most arguments I've seen haven't tried to say that no-one gets denied anything because they have a MOTOS (Member Of The Same Sex) love. I can't foresee a time in my lifetime where there won't be people -- of any orientation -- who will willingly welcome people of any orientation and loving groups of any combination into all of their spaces. I don't think I *want* that to happen.

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In my mind, there's a line (admittedly blurry) between things that I feel should be open to all comers and things that I feel fall under the category of "safe space." As a bisexual, quarter-Filipino daughter of a Jewish man and resident of Seattle, I don't take much offense when I'm not welcome -- explicitly or otherwise -- at support groups for lesbians, Asian women, Jewish women, or people who live in environments where they're scared to come out. If I needed something like that and it wasn't available to me, I'd start my own.

OTOH, the things in which exclusion bother me include housing and employment. The things where oppression bother me include things like when I've walked down the street arm-in-arm with a girlfriend and gotten threatened. I look like a straight white girl, but I often don't act like one.

So, I have het privilege, even tho I'm not heterosexual. I have white privilege, even though I'm not technically white. I have what I think of as "big city privilege" -- I live somewhere where I can be out and where I'm around other people who are out.

I notice that I get treated differently when I'm with a female lover. I've noticed, less often, that sometimes I get treated differently when people find out my heritage. This does not negate the fact that most of the time, I can enjoy various privileges that, for instance, an openly lesbian latina cannot. And while I occasionally encounter scorn from lesbians because of my bisexuality, that happens even less than I've been the victim of racial prejudice.

I don't think there's any point in bemoaning the fact that some people don't want me at their party because of my sexual orientation -- whether they are straight or queer. Instead, I'll throw my own parties or put that energy into finding places where I *am* welcome. It can be a lonely process, but I'd rather make a good example of my own behavior than whine about somebody else's.

I don't think there's any point in asking that anybody who, by accident of birth or whatever, give up their privileges. Instead, I'll put my energy into fighting to get these privileges turned into rights for everyone. We need all the help we can get -- it's not going to be easy. OTOH, if you define "coming out" as "giving up het privilege," I guess I'm giving it up.

The occasionally-mentioned upside of het privilege is that when somebody assumes that I'm straight and feels positively towards me because of that, I can come out to them as non-straight and, sometimes, open up their horizons a bit. Sometimes, they'll walk away wrestling with the idea that "such a nice girl" can be queer -- and sometimes, they'll feel a little less hostile towards non-straights than they did before. Rare as they sometimes are, those are the incidents upon which I concentrate when I'm feeling frustrated at the enormous power -- political, social, emotional -- of the forces in my world who tell me I can't love who I want to love.

I don't think there's any point in staying in the closet about my bisexuality so that I can maintain my het privilege. Instead, I try to be as out as I can and to hell with anybody who decides against me for it. I'd rather suffer than pretend to be what I'm not, and I'm very aware that there are so many people "out there" who've had to suffer so much more than I have. It angers me that they have had to suffer and their fortitude awes me -- and keeps me going when I feel hurt or alone.

I certainly don't think I should keep quiet when somebody else can't have or do the things that I can have or do because they are more obviously (not white|not straight|whatever) than I am.

What many people want is for us all to be free to love who we want, hold hands in public with who we want, be able to live openly as lovers with who we want, be employed regardless of sexual orientation, and marvelous things like that. What no-one seems to agree on is how to go about making that happen. If I end up losing my het privilege in that fight, that's fine by me. If I don't, that just reminds me that there are people out there who don't get it, and who continue discriminating against those who I feel should have the same rights I do -- and that just makes me fight all the harder.