sev's Labels and Sexuality

Bisexuality: when gender is a different kind of factor

Feminism: the empowerment of women is good for everyone

Fetish: reclaiming sensuality

Kink: what it is that some of us do

Polyamory: multiple responsible committed loves

Queer: more than just politics

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Finding love and healing from hurt

My therapist told me, when I was bemoaning the lack of loving, committed relationships in my life, that the first thing I had to do was let go of the idea that I couldn't find one. I concentrated on affirming that yes, I'm attractive, yes, I'm sexy, yes, I deserve the very kind of loving and committed relationship that I want, and yes, there are wonderful people out there who want what I want, and want it with me.

Yeah, I got rejected sometimes; we all do. I also got positive reactions from many people, and I discovered that the people whose rejections made such a big impression on my self-esteem were in a minority. There were just as many people willing to welcome me with open arms, whether it was into a queer organization, an intellectual discussion, a party, or a newsgroup. These people were in the minority as well - most people don't care one way or the other. They're more interested in what I do than who I am. They're more willing to let me stand or fall on my own merits. As long as I stay out of known hotspots of conservatism, I'm happy as a clam.

I understand that you have been rejected in the past. I understand that the voices of hatred are much louder than the voices of acceptance. Please try to understand that there are many places where the voices of acceptance far outnumber the voices of bigotry, even if you can't hear them right now. If you're open to the idea that they're there, they'll be a lot easier to hear.

Heal thyself, bisexual. Become more open-minded. Set those voices-of-oppression a good example and be accepting and loving instead of afraid and hurt.

You don't want the voices of hatred to win, do you? Right now, you're giving them exactly what they want. They want you to buckle under. They want you to be afraid of them. They want you to hide at home and be hurt and bewildered instead of making them rethink their assumptions. Don't let them win, dammit. Rethink *your* assumptions. Be assured that the people you're looking for -- women who are willing to love bisexual women -- are out there, and there's plenty to go around. Go out and be proud, be strong. That's attractive, that's sexy. Show those few idiots with misbegotten ideas about bisexuals that you don't need their goddamn help. They'll see you, a happy beautiful bisexual woman, and they'll eat their hearts out.

If you're an out bisexual, unapologetic in queer circles, you're likely to be opening the minds of just the types of people who would have rejected you -- they'll see you, see that you're not a bad type after all, and maybe the next time they see some scared bisexual girl, they won't be so harsh. Dunno if you care, but you could have that effect. I care, and if I can change just *one* mind about bisexuality, it's worth all the rejection I've gotten, from society, from friends, from people who didn't return my attraction, from people who wouldn't give me the time of day.