sev's Labels and Sexuality

Bisexuality: when gender is a different kind of factor

Feminism: the empowerment of women is good for everyone

Fetish: reclaiming sensuality

Kink: what it is that some of us do

Polyamory: multiple responsible committed loves

Queer: more than just politics

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Being bi and poly

There's a particular dynamic to the primary/secondary model, there's a particular dynamic to the established relationship versus a new relationship, and there's a particular dynamic to the MOTSS vs. the MOTOS relationship.

Try as they will, a MOTOS relationship will in most cases receive much more support than a MOTSS relationship. In a situation like the one which has been described -- an existing MOTOS relationship adding a MOTSS relationship, the MOTSS newcomer will find that most outsiders will give the MOTOS relationship more credence. It's very painful, especially when the MOTSS relationship is an important one to the newcomer. It's not fair to say that that is the sole problem of the newcomer and that zie will just have to deal with it. This gets worse when the newcomer is a woman, as the prevailing "wisdom" (feh) of society to which I've been exposed is that when the male half of a MOTOS dyad has a male lover, it's often seen by society as a threat to the MOTOS relationship, but when the female half has a female lover, it's seen as simply a dalliance.

However, when I bring a new person into my life, I try to be aware that there are things I can do to make them more comfortable with my existing relationships. If I'm getting involved with a woman, it behooves me to be aware of and to try to assuage her very real fears that my existing relationship with a man will take precedence, and sometimes, it'll take significant extra effort on my part to counteract the messages she gets from people around her that she's not as important.

Blaming it all on her is rather unfair; she didn't make up that dynamic on her own. This hypothetical woman would, in all likelihood, have been inundated by this very concept for most of her life. It would certainly simplify things to limit involvement to people who have dealt with this shadow, but personally, it's hard enough to find people with whom I resonate. If I had to add this on top of everything else, I'd have to be celibate.