sev's Labels and Sexuality

Bisexuality: when gender is a different kind of factor

Feminism: the empowerment of women is good for everyone

Fetish: reclaiming sensuality

Kink: what it is that some of us do

Polyamory: multiple responsible committed loves

Queer: more than just politics

Personal
home, journal, about me

Body Politics
labels and sexuality, bi, feminist, poly, kinky, queer

Creative
photography, poetry, prose

Talk Back
guestbook, feedback, journal, email me

For me, the best part about coming out as a pervert and learning about my own proclivities was that I felt so much more empowered to negotiate. Learning how to say yes can sometimes be as important as learning how to say no -- and part of learning how to say no is to practice.

Pervert has been traditionally used in a negative light, but some people (like me) have been trying to reclaim it as a description for people whose sexual practices include activities which go beyond what is usually depicted as "normal."

In the ten years since I first put up this page, a plethora of opportunities for kinked folk have sprung up online. For instance, now I've got a bondage.com profile.

Relevant Diary Entries

• Class and Pervy Events
  Play parties for pervs can get expensive. Space rental, refreshments, sometimes even insurance -- it all adds up. So many play parties collect donations or admission at the door. If we're not careful, the issue of donations can become a divisive class issue.
• Butch/Femme and Top/Bottom
  The interaction of gender and role can be fascinating. You can't necessarily tell, from watching a kinky butch/femme couple with the butch opening doors for the femme, which is a top and which is a bottom. The gesture itself can be appropriate in both cases -- butch bottom and butch top -- but the meaning of the gesture may be different.

Making things work

Some of this comes from a post I made to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm.

I'd like to note that I'm about to use "top" and "bottom" in a very broad, generic sense. If these aren't your definitions of these words, feel free to substitute your favorite catch-all pair -- pitcher/catcher, whatever...

Anyway. As a bi switch, I've played with male and female tops and bottoms, and my good and bad experiences have not divided themselves along gender lines at all.

My good and bad experiences have fallen along fairly clear lines of:

• communication & reasonable expectations on both sides = good,
• dishonesty/unwillingness to ask for clarification/inability to talk about desires = bad.

Every once in awhile, something random goes wrong or something accidentally goes right, but most of the time, better communication will help make happy accidents repeat themselves and keep unhappy accidents from becoming complete disasters.

More information about kink can be found on:

• soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm
• ssb-b's wonderfully in-depth FAQ,
• Laura Goodwin's fabulous explanation of who we leatherfolk are. (it's ostensibly specific to "united leatherfolk of CT" but it's pretty applicable to leatherfolk in general.)
• Out in the Shadows, the "BDSM and Kinky Sex Forum" maintained by "Non-Famous Lauren," whom I first encountered on alt.sex.bondage

Books

There are some great books out there about kink. Not many, but the good ones are very good.

Nonfiction
	Sensuous Magic by Patrick Califia-Rice What can I say? It's the best how-to book for beginners, bar none. Even years after my first read, I still refer back to Sensuous Magic just for the negotiation checklist. If you're at all in the market for a beginners' book, go out and get it! (read more...)
Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon Screw the Roses is probably the most-recommended book on S/M in the mainstream S/M community. I was lucky enough to work at Amazon.com at one point & volunteered to write the review of this book.
	The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt Good advice laced with good humor -- what more can we ask for? While reading The Bottoming Book, I barely noticed how much I was learning -- but oh, did I learn! This is definitely an empowering book for bottoms; no dishrags or doormats here. Bottoms should read it for advice on being a bottom, and tops should read it to understand what kinds of bottoms they really want.
The Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt Perfect companion to The Bottoming Book. If you've ever finished topping in a tough public scene and wondered where your aftercare was, you're not alone. Tops need love, too! It's great to see a book that recognizes that instead of just plodding on about technique.
	SM 101 by Jay Wiseman Good basic starter information. The later chapters allow a bit of one-true-wayism to leak out, though; I'm not overly thrilled with Wiseman's presuming to tell novices what a "true submissive" is or is not. Aside from that, though, SM 100 is a solid beginners' manual.
The Sexually Dominant Woman, by Lady Green If you're a submissive man looking to see if your honey has a dominant side or a woman who wants to begin to learn how to dominate her partner, this book may be the way you're looking for. (read more...)
Amazon.com's alternative sex instruction list is also a good place to find other nonfiction books on kink.
Fiction
	Macho Sluts by Pat Califia Pat Califia's first collection of sexy leatherfiction, and his second, Melting Point, are the hottest, wettest stories around, packed with luscious characters that I wouldn't kick out of bed for eating crackers. I think of Califia as something like the John Preston of the leatherdyke world. Apparently the first printing of the first edition of this book had a "Macho Sluts" button attached to it -- mine didn't, and I *want* one. The new cover isn't as pretty, IMO, but I'm glad it's being reprinted.
The Slave by Laura Antoniou (formerly published under the pen name "Sara Adamson") The Slave is the most erotic of Antoniou's Marketplace triology. The title character, Robin, is a particularly talented submissive who is put through two weeks of intense training before her introduction to The Marketplace, where humans are bought and sold. Not a particularly unusual premise, but the book is far from predictable, and Antoniou's writing sexy enough that the reader's too busy getting wet to wonder at the number of authors who have failed to make this kind of story hot.
	The Second Coming edited by Pat Califia and Robin Sweeney Like its predecessor, Samois' Coming to Power, The Second Coming is a celebration of leatherdyke sexuality with short stories, poems, and articles.

...or search for books on