10/15/00 -- The sorts of things that just feel ... right

The sort of things you can't explain

Okay, first, I'm sorry I've been lax about updating this.  I've got journal entries.  I just haven't uploaded in forever.  I'll probably be a little whacked about it still, now that I'm working out of town again during the week.  But I'll try and be better about updating and actually posting my updates.  M'kay?

Anyway ....

Ever do something that just feels right?  I mean, so completely and totally right that you want to do it again, or that you don't want it to stop?  Or been with a person, or in a situation, that's just perfect--a moment that makes you stop and think, This is what my life should be like.. exactly like this moment where everything fits?

I've had that off and on lately.  There are some things that have just been so right that I want to cry.  Clarion was one of those things.  For six wonderful weeks, my life was right.  I was me again.

There are a handful of people in my life who are right, too.  When I'm around them, I'm me again.  There isn't anything I'm hiding; there isn't anything I'm trying to be to fit into the mold they've put me into because they haven't put me into a mold.  They're not thinking, Well, Stacey wouldn't do this. Or, Huh, I didn't think Aynjel would do something like that.  They're just going with it because it's what the situation calls for.  I just wish I was around those people all of the time.  I want those moments, those heartbeats of right, all the time.

Someone said something the other day that was right, too.  So right I almost cried.  It was wonderful and sad and strange and a lot like Clarion.  That person, actually, is a lot like Clarion.  Sort of unreal and fantastic and tragic and has been a strange and wonderful impact on my life every time zie walks into it.  And every time zie walks out of it.  And I never know when I'm going to see zir again, or if, really.  And when I do, it's such a treat, so wonderful, so delightful and so right, that I never want it to end.  But it does.  Sometimes for a weekend, sometimes for months.  It was a year, this time.  And after this time is really over, it may be that long, or longer before that rightness comes back again.

I wonder if that is what I should be looking for in my life.  And sometimes, I wonder what it means that I don't have it on a daily basis, that the people who are constantly in my life, who are a major part of it, don't bring it with them, that it's casual moments, and random people who make me feel right.

Should the people who are around me all the time, the people who know when I have bad days and when I have good days and share them both with me, be jealous of those moments that they can't give me?  Should I worry?  Or should I just enjoy those moments and people and places when I can get them?