10/14/00 -- A day later

What have I gotten myself into?

So I've had time to think, to sober up (as it were) and now I'm starting to wonder, to doubt.  Okay, so I've had this nagging doubt that sits on my shoulder nearly all the time, but right now it's a little louder and a little more insistent than it usually is.  And I'm wondering, What the hell?

How did this happen?  How did they not see through me?  How did they not realize that I'm not as good as they think I am?  That I fake it, just like I say I do.

Oy.

I'm anxiety girl today.  It's probably from running around like a crazy person for the past two weeks and now I've got a day to relax and I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know how to relax, I don't think.  My relax command is broken or something.

I billed 50 hours last week, billed more than that this week.  I've been working for 12 days straight and there's been a lot of stress in those days.  Way more than I expected.  And, at the same time, it's been better than I expected it would be.

I'm glad to be back out on the road.  I'm glad to be working with the folks I'm working with right now.  And I'm wondering what I've gotten myself into.  @.@  I'm pretty sure I can handle this... I mean, I've been handling stuff like this for the past several months, and before Clarion, too.  And everything's gone well and turned out fine.  I don't know why things feel a little different now, though.  Why I'm wondering about what I'm doing.

But I am.

What did I get myself into?  I mean, I got what I wanted almost six months ago.  The thing I got passed over for.  I've got it now.  What would I have done if I'd gotten it then?  I dunno.  I'd have had it, gone to Clarion, forgotten about it, and when I got back I don't know how things would have gone.

But I've got it now.

And I wanted it.

And I still do.

But what am I going to do with it?  Guess I'll fake it until I figure it out.