07/22/00 -- We can die happy now...
Okay, not quite yet...
We're not allowed to die happy until we've achieved success in
the eyes of the world and have paid forward. But anyway...
So it's over. Okay, I said that yesterday. But it's really
over now. Really really over. No critiques this morning, no lectures, no
stories to pick up for critique at some later date. It's over. Over over.
Done.
And the thing I had feared stopping me all Clarion, the weird
stomach thing I get now and then, happened this morning. I woke up at 7:30 and
waited for the person in the room beside me to get done with her shower so I could go pee.
Finally, she finishes. I pee. I go back to bed to try and sleep for
another hour or so. And it hits. I can feel it. I'm feeling a little
queasy, like maybe I need to eat something. So I grab a cookie and sitting up
finishes me off. Tightness settles under my ribs, an uncomfortably familiar
tightness. I fiddle my pillows so I'm sitting up a bit, but still laying down.
And I pray. I take deep breaths, try to relax, while the fear that it'll
totally knock me on my ass for ten or twelve hours lingers in the back of my head.
But I managed to fall asleep, which meant I relaxed, which meant
I was okay when my alarm went off at 9:15. I hit the snooze bar, though. Too
tired after being up late ripping manuscripts apart. And while I fell asleep again,
I wound up having the most weird-ass dream. I'm not going to go into it except to
say that I was confused (and grateful!) when Mark called me and woke me up again ... I'd
been looking in my parents' kitchen for a phone book with emergency dentist phone numbers
because one of my teeth had fallen out in my dream. Weird. Too weird.
Couldn't deal.
Mark had called to tell me that the cafeteria stopped serving
breakfast at 10 so we needed to head over soon. Weird thing was, someone knocked on
my door right before he called, too. Then another knock, then the phone rings.
I was way confused. Decided to pay attention to the phone since I
wasn't dressed for answering the door. So Mark explains about breakfast, I go to the
door. Jennifer explains about breakfast. Fine. Give me a few minutes.
I had a quick shower and went down with Mark and Jennifer to have
breakfast in the Owen cafeteria. Ugh. My first (and last!) breakfast there.
It's worse than lunch or dinner. Feh. Bacon, hash browns, and some
fruit.
A bunch of other folks walked off somewhere for breakfast.
I had decided I'd rather spend my last meal there with Jennifer and Mark. I'm
going to miss them like crazy. So we talk and poke at our food. I
come close to crying a dozen or so times. Then we sit and talk to folks in the Owen
lounge. People are getting ready to leave. It's weird. Way weird.
Saying good-bye to them. Not something I wanted to do.
I went back up to my room after Mary drove off to the airport
with Jennifer and Buck and Karen. I almost cried again. Damn, I'm going to
miss Jennifer.
I finished packing stuff up then went down to say g'bye to
Maureen (who was packing her car even as I considered going up to get my car so I could
bring it by Owen and make packing it a lot easier). I said g'bye to Greg then,
too... just in case Paula and I were gone before he got back from playing racquet ball
with Gavin. Maureen gave me a ride up to the parking garage and I cried as I drove
back to Owen. I'm going to miss Maureen.
The great search for a cart occupied my brain for a little while
and I finally found one. A poor little cart that would sacrifice itself in its duty
to help Paula and I get our stuff down to the car. I packed it all in! I made
it fit! I think I might've done a better job with it than Jonah did packing my car
when I left home. I was afraid... very afraid... that I might not be able to fit it
all. He has packing skills that I only dream of having. Or maybe some of them
have rubbed off on me. I dunno.
The good-bye vampires (don't ask!) -- Gavin, Jeff and Greg --
came after me as I finished packing the car and Paula ran my key into Owen (I forgot to
hand it over when I checked out -- duh). They came to suck the g'bye out of me or
something. Mark appeared, too. I did a round of good-bye .. in some cases
again. Damn I'm going to miss Mark. And Greg. I almost cried again.
Somehow managed not to. Which is more than I can say for myself right this
minute.
Paula and I climbed into my trusty CRV and found our way to the
freeway. We managed, later, to get on 96 instead of 69 (or something like that) and
took a minor side trip, but we still made pretty good time. I think I talked too
much on the drive. My throat is way tired. *snrk*
We had an "Okay, no pets" moment at a
reststop. There was a delightful little sign that said, "No
Pets". We were reminded of Trey. :)
I'm in Des Moines right now. In the hotel where I met Paula
on the trip out to Clarion. We'll unload her stuff from my car tomorrow morning and
then I'll be able to have separation anxiety. I've told myself I can't be too sad
until I pull out tomorrow morning alone. But that's not stopping tears right now.
This is such a final thing, the end of Clarion. Strange and
sad and I'm not sure I like it. Six weeks. Six weeks in a black hole.
Way more time has passed than that, but I still feel like somehow I only got there
yesterday and that I've left before it happened, before I learned anything. I know I
learned a lot. I have a lot more tools that I can use, that I'm aware of. I
don't know if I know everything I've managed to learn in the past six weeks.
Here are some of the things I did learn, though: