05/01/00 -- One Midlife Crisis, Coming Up

Hold the mustard, please.

I can't be having a midlife crisis, or so I'm being told.   Well, I am.  Deal with it.  It'll be one of many.  Either that, or I'm only going to live to be 50.  I don't care which.

Everything's up and down.  Up and down more than it's been since I was in high school when I didn't care quite so much about, well, anything.   When I thought I was going to be a veterinarian and take care of sick animals.   Or become an intertidal invertebrate marine biologist.

I'll start out a day tired, dragging, find energy, become ecstatic about something, drop down into lethargy, find excitement again, drop even lower than before.  Highs today are manic followed by depressing low fronts coming in right after.  My mood has been as unstable (and as unpredictable) as the weather.

I think about where I am, where I want to be, what I want to do, and then wonder Why bother?

I've had no energy for much of anything since finishing my story.   I surf the web, I poke around on soc.bi, I poke around on the Rumormill.  And I don't do much else.  I think about writing.  I think about the three stories I have started and open on my desktop machine at home.  I think about the story-starts in a text file on my workstation.  I think about the story ideas and starts on my laptop.  I think about finishing them.  And then I find another website to surf.

I haven't got much farther than thinking.  Maybe a word or two here or there, jotting down another idea.

Bah.

Maybe it's the weather.

Maybe I'm just in a bad mood
And I need to change my attitude
And when I wake up tomorrow
I'll believe in heaven.
-- Jill Sobule

I don't know.