03/08/00 -- My so-called life

No snazzy subtitles today

So this is my life.  Sometimes I think I want to trade it in on something better.  Like right about now.

I don't know what's going wrong, or how to turn it around, but I really want things to be right again.  Still haven't been able to write anything I feel is worth keeping.  And lately, even going to work out has become a challenge.

Maybe I should try a short-story dare like Karina was doing.   Dare myself to finish a story in three days, or over the weekend, or something.   And I suppose I should dare myself to finish it regardless of whether or not I think what I'm writing is crap.  I can fix it later.  I can rewrite it, if I have to.  I just need to write something.  And finish it.

And I have no idea what is going to happen with my career.   I have to decide if I'm going to apply for the Project Manager position opening up.   And I have to figure out what is going on with my sweetie's career before I can do anything overwhelming with mine.

The only thing that seems certain right now is Clarion in June and July.  That's the only thing in my life that's a certainty.

And that scares me.  I don't deal well with the unknown.   I don't like not knowing what's going to happen in the next couple of weeks.   Sure, I'm good with not knowing where I'll be two years from now, but I want a little bit of certainty for the next six months.

Doesn't look like I'm going to get it.

And I feel like I'm doing something wrong, something terrible. Sweetie isn't happy where we are living, or with his job. And I feel like I've somehow failed him because I can't make him happy in spite of that.  I don't know what to do to cheer him up, anymore.

Feels silly to whine about this when there are folks over on the Rumormill with ten times the problems I've got right now, but, damnit, I don't like uncertainty, and I don't like seeing Sweetie miserable.

And I don't know what to do about either problem right now.