When I grow up, I'm going to be...
by Stacey Kathleen Wenkel

Y'know, my mother always accused me of having a "Peter Pan syndrome". It was because I would do outlandish things like dye my hair fuchsia and wear makeup better suited to a Rocky Horror cast member than a high school student. It was because I was still buying toys like Transformers and My Little Pony (before the quality went down the drain)... And I guess it was because I was still painfully optimistic and romantic about a lot of the things I thought about, dreamed about, and did. I think that I've "grown up" a little bit since then. I also think that I'm still very much that little kid trapped in a high schooler's (or maybe that should be adult's) body.

In the time between pre-school and graduating from college I've wanted to be a zillion different things. I wanted to be a fairy godmother, I wanted to be a writer, an actress, a rock star, an artist... I wanted to play electric bass in a gothic rock band. I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer because they make tons of money. I wanted to be a marine biologist after spending two days out in the tidepools up in Monterey, CA at 6:30a.m. checking temperature, salinity, dissolved oxygen and carbon dioxide content of the water between tidepools and the open ocean and noting how they change as the tide comes in. I wanted to be a veterinarian because I love animals.

I never became an actress... I get all freaked out when I get up in front of people and speak. Probably why I dumped the lawyer idea, too.

I decided, after spending 3 years at a biology/zoology intensive high school, that I didn't want to be a veterinarian anymore and while I was still interested in Marine Biology, it just didn't strike me as something I wanted to do as a career. I lost interest in being a doctor at about the same time (and the physics and other classes that were suggested for pre-med at college just made me more certain it wasn't what I wanted to do). Scratch three more "when I grow up" options.

I learned to play the accordion when I was a kid... never managed to pick up anything else (except the marimba for a semester in high school) and now I couldn't sight-read a piece of music to save my life. I still want to learn to play the electric bass, but with all of the other things in my life that I want to do, I'm not sure I'll have time.

I discovered, in my high school biological illustration class, that I could draw, and draw something very realistic looking. I had compliments on some of the pieces years later from artist friends who hounded me to draw more. I've been drawing a little bit more lately (I even sold three pieces at an art-show at a con this past summer ... the link at the bottom is a rough sketch of one of the pieces that sold if you're curious), but I've also found that writing is much more satisfying to me. In the time it takes me to create a rough sketch that may or may not look like I wanted/intended it to, I can write a story that brings the image to life far far better.

Something tells me, too, that I'd never make a good fairy godmother. I just don't have "the look". I'd be a mother's nightmare and would likely end up sending kids off to a Sister Machine Gun concert instead of a ball/prom/home-coming dance. *wry smile*

With a BS in English, my choices for a "career" are somewhat limited and I've found myself doing technical writing. Cool, that's writing of a sort... and it pays well... but the creative possibilities are pretty much non-existent (well, except with RoboHELP which has lots of cool options for pop-up windows and SHED image manipulations for hot links and popups and stuff, but I still can't get too crazy, I've got to deliver these things to stuffy companies, afterall). So, I find myself writing fiction on the side and wishing that I'd win the lottery or something so I could *just* write. And write... and write... and maybe draw a little... and write... and learn to play bass... and write... and buy more cool toys... and write... and build a house with a big playroom where I could set up my computer systems and write while my Transformers and My Little Ponies fight each other in a huge battle to the death on the other side of the room.

This rambling initially appeared in Jackhammer on the Question of the Week discussion board for Issue 40, Volume 1.